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On The Eve of 4 Years

Music has a way of making me feel. It softens the edges and loosens this stoic facade I often wish wasn't such a strong part of who I am.

 

I am walking on the beautiful trails in my neighborhood, watching all the prehistoric looking birds by the sparkly water when it hits me like a landslide. My podcast ended and I put on Overcome by Skott and I am overcome. Completely taken out by the weight of your physical absence. So much has happened, changed in these 4 years you've been gone. The kids are beautiful, so much older, the baby is fading. It makes me so sad to think they may have forgotten you. Did they have enough time to imprint you into their cells? I am not sure I had enough time, will it ever be enough time? I am sobbing for what I wished you could have witnessed. All the beauty and abundance that is yet to come. Will it be as good without you?


I started a family text thread the other day to announce a milestone for Mila and I started typing "Dad". Will it ever not slip my mind you aren't here? My life is so beautiful now, I think you knew it would be. Felt like you always believed in me, knew that I would arrive here. Did you have to leave for me to come to this place? Did the loss of you have to bottom me out? You were so proud of the life we were building, is where I am everything you had hoped for me?

 

My reiki healer saw a huge party, one that you organize from the heavens every time I ask for help. You organize all the guides and look on with admiration. Your soul likes to party and blast the music just like I do with my people. Do I get that from you?

 

The other day I was meditating on my most magnetic home and parents and I kept imagining you and Mom as your highest versions. Being a child looking on in pure love as you practiced ballet in the living room and wrote songs with Mom. Will you have a lifetime with her where you are that free? Can you help me be that free now? To see that it is all temporary, fleeting.

 

Has your soul already found me again in this life? Will we find eachother again in the next? I hope we find one another when it is time to wake up. I want to evolve alongside you until we are 110 years old. I want to keep you longer next time. I am so proud of you. And I am proud of me, for becoming this version of myself. I miss you endlessly, please stay close. Maybe we can walk on trails and sob together in some alternate dimension. You were the best at holding space.


 
 
 

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